I realize that's an unconventional title, but if I had to describe my mood for the last three months, this would be it: I HATE WAITING. I've had a bad attitude, I'll admit, but I haven't been able to kick it. Ever since we got the news about the new waiting list and the delay, I've had a bad attitude. My heart hurts, and my heart is tired of waiting.
We have the most amazing support and our community loves us well, yet even so, I've been afraid to let me guard down about anything adoption related for several months that I've almost become mechanical in my responses to people. "No new news," and "Thanks so much, we can't wait either!" and other versions of these phrases have become my norm. But I'm tired of that. I'm struggling in this wait, and I don't want to be mechanical. I need to let my heart hurt, I need to feel burdened for the son that I will someday hold in my arms, I need to allow God invade this space of my life and hold me in His arms.
Sunday, part of our scripture reading was Acts 1:7. I've read this 100 times before, but several days ago it took on a whole new meaning.
“He said to them, “It is not for you to know times or seasons that the Father has fixed by his own authority.”
Jesus was answering a question about when the kingdom of Israel will be restored in Acts 1:6 and He is about the tell the disciples that they will soon receive the power of the Holy Spirit to take the gospel to the ends of the earth in Acts 1:8. This is the hinge on which the Christian faith swings, and I felt the words jumping from the pages to me.
God is God. He is the God of the universe. He created every cell in my body and yours. He created my son, or will create my son. He is so much bigger than my situation, and yet, He loves me even still. It's not my right to know His timing or His way, and here I've been pouting for the last three months about how crappy the wait is and feeling like I have a right to walk a different path rather than trust the journey that God has us on. That journey includes a long wait, whether I like it or not. This journey to Judah is fixed by God's authority and under His authority alone with it come to pass.
Tears fill in my eyes just writing those words, because I feel like I'm hesitantly offering us what little control I have, saying, "God, have it all," and I feel so vulnerable and weak in my best efforts. But isn't that the gospel? Isn't the gospel offering up everything we have, putting our best efforts forward and God saying, "It's not good enough" and then pointing us to the cross on which He sent His Son to die.
So, waiting sucks, but God is good. I hate it, but He sustains. My tears and my frustration are warranted in the eyes of the world, but God calls us to live according to His standards.
Pray for us, this is hard, but I would do it all over again to learn these lessons from our gracious Heavenly Father.
